Being Grounded

by GW Lehtinen

If the grounding is rather lengthy, there is a chance that the young child will breed resentment toward the parent.  It might also limit their growth in society, which can be unhealthy.  In today’s world, modern perspectives say that at times, instead of focusing on the punishment, parents or authority figures should focus on active teaching and sensible consequences.  There has been a shift in the last few decades in styles of discipline.  Traditionally, it was simply to restrict freedom, but grounding, if done frequently, might isolate children and could have them thinking about the parent instead of their own actions.

It makes sense to match the consequences to the mistake.  For example, losing screen time for the misuse of electronic devices makes a lot of sense.  Missing time with his/her friends on an unrelated issue does not.  We as parents need to help children understand why certain behaviors are to be expected and must guide them to make good choices even when they are by themselves without any older siblings or parents around.  Some parents find traditional grounding quite effective, teaching the child about natural consequences, while others say it can lead the child to feelings of alienation.  Some modern parents say that using a “one-day” punishment method is better, and it’ll wipe the slate clean the following morning.  As long as the child takes ownership of the mistake or incident without enduring a long, humiliating punishment into the next week.  As a tool of discipline, grounding teaches accountability and establishes healthy boundaries.  It encourages the child to really think about their actions and hopefully develops problem-solving skills instead of punishment.

Logical, sensible, and well-applied grounding can help a child’s development.  The cause and effect are connected to certain misbehaviors, such as losing car privileges or their phone, but they must be directly related to the infraction.  The child or teenager must understand that their actions do have direct outcomes.  When grounded, the child should be provided a quiet place to reflect and process their emotions, thus learning self-discipline and self-control.  Absolutely no outside distractions, or as much as possible limiting the world outside, so they are able to develop critical thinking skills necessary as they approach adulthood.  By learning that there are limits early in their childhood, they understand how to set boundaries, which is a valuable skill set necessary for a healthy life as an adult.

There are times when none of these methods or outcomes have worked.  I personally grew up knowing some kids in my neighborhood who despised their parents to an even greater level.  I saw some kids have a resentment, and even contempt, for family members.   A couple of them, I remember, when grounded, looked as if it encouraged even more deception, so they could plan their bad behavior more skillfully in order to get away with it the next time.  Intensely independent children can possibly lead to an intense power struggle as they enter puberty; some become loners, antisocial, and refuse or have extreme difficulty being on a team of any kind.  On a more light-hearted note, I was grounded as soon as I walked into the house, or so it seemed.  I either forgot to do a household chore or received a phone call from a neighbor about my shenanigans, or from my school about an altercation.  My personal experience was a mixed bag of results, and personally speaking, I now know I certainly deserved all of those punishments.  My father sometimes wondered why I wasn’t outside playing ball or riding my bike with my friends when I told him I was grounded yet again. He was half angry and half disgusted that I couldn’t get it together.  His disappointment in me and also hearing all the kids having a blast outside really motivated me to focus much harder on being a better version of myself. My two older sisters never seemed to get grounded, but I quickly realized why.  They obeyed, they listened, and they applied it daily, whereas I simply refused.

I think I was a black sheep or a hard case. Later, as an adult, I had conversations with my mother, who said that was exactly what I was.  She then softened the blow by reminiscing about herself as a rebellious youth, always questioning, always defying, always going against the grain.  She didn’t care if she got into trouble, if she didn’t like it, or didn’t want to do it, by God, she dug her heels in and wouldn’t budge no matter the consequence.  She added that when she was raising me, I stood out just like she did decades earlier, and said it was a double-edged sword.  With that sort of attitude, we both have suffered, sometimes to our own demise, but sometimes it was worth it.  My sisters didn’t cross those lines in our household for fear of looking bad, or just not wanting to deal with the wrath of our parents.  They were smart, they were tactical, and they were always thinking of the possible outcome of losing their precious freedoms.  I, on the other hand, plowed into danger unawares, showing no thought of repercussions or consequences, and that is what my mother feared because her personality was almost identical to mine.  I’m thankful today that I was grounded so often that I swore I was growing roots!  I eventually reflected on my silly behaviors, and now I am as strict with my two children as my parents were.  They fortunately bear no ill will towards me as a strict parent, because I had always talked to them, never screamed at them, and explained why I was upset, and we have developed a very strong bond to this day.